So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have feelings that need drinking.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
