you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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