I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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