I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
