OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
