I have demons in me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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