My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
