I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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