i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
