I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Blood and glitter go together right?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
