I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
