Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I pour the whiskey from now on
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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