Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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