you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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