it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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