i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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