I faked an abortion last night.
I smell stomach acid.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
your like the ambassador to my penis.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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