Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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