I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
