I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just cut my nipple shaving
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
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