We got so high we made milksteak
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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