Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
