dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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