the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
