I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
