Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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