I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
