can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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