I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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