Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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