how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
