Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
