found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
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Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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