So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
