Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
