You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
