i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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