i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
