I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
