this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
