Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
