the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
