you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
