3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
