I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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