Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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