Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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