so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
