This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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