This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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