I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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