He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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