oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
