Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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