I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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