happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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