My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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